Over time, most living things on this planet have developed some ability to sense danger. In the most primal sense of living, this served as a survival mechanism – a lone zebra’s sense of danger in the Serengeti may keep it alive with a hungry lion on the prowl. In that sense, a signal of danger stemming from a sympathetic nervous system might keep something alive. In a primal sense, such as in life-or-death scenarios, this is a healthy mechanism. When a sympathetic nervous system becomes over-sensitized though, this becomes a problem.
In humans, when a danger is perceived, a “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” mechanism is activated. When this mechanism is over-sensitized through trauma, less than ideal outcomes are the result. In my case, this over-sensitization has resulted in an apprehensive nature, the construction of emotional barriers, social anxiety, fear of being hurt, and suspicion of others. As a result, I am very slow at opening up to people, it’s difficult for me to ask for help, rely on others, let people in, trust someone has my best intentions at heart, or will really be there for me when I need them to be.
Today, my therapist and I spoke of my disorganized attachment style (fearful-avoidant). We spoke about how, while crying, I would share my feelings with my parents as a child, and subsequently be yelled at. My therapist and I spoke about how I always had to be strong and handle everything on my own with no one to lean on. I didn’t just feel this way, it was that way. Getting bullied and having no one to emotionally lean on eventually broke me down. Negative cognitive beliefs crept into my psyche and grew roots. Eventually, I started believing the things bullies told me – that I was dumb and that no one would ever love me. It’s an odd combination to feel dumb while simultaneously getting top scores in an Advanced Placement Calculus class as a Sophomore (only one other person achieved this in a class of hundreds). Yet somehow, I am still haunted by what bullies told me – that I was a dumb loser.
While those around me tell me I am loved, that I am smart, and that I am successful, the negative cognitive beliefs stemming from these toxic roots tell me otherwise. These roots still live. My therapist has instructed me to go over my affirmations daily, but I still feel like I’m lying to myself. I hope that someday I won’t feel this way.
It’s amazing to me how decades can pass from traumatic events and yet they can still feel fresh … that my sympathetic nervous system can still be activated just by thinking about the past. It can be activated by hearing a song on the radio or seeing the same model of vehicle that my parents drove. It can be activated by seeing bullying on TV. I have to remind myself to breathe in these moments as I frequently hold my breath, sensing danger. While I may not be in physical danger, my overactive sympathetic nervous system senses danger all the same.
#FeedTheGoodWolf
Feed The Good Wolf 